Ask Dr. Attaturk, February 19, 2005

Question 1:

Dear Attaturk,

I am a newscaster for a major television network, and frankly I am having trouble sleeping at night. I wake with cold sweats from the nightmares I experience. I guess it is due to the mounting guilt over how we have been told to slant the news, and though no one in the public seems to have noticed or be complaining, still I worry that I may be facing a long stay in Hell for my part in all this. My question is, is it okay to pretend to be a serious newscaster while knowing full well that the Michael Jackson story isn’t really news? Should I smile more to hint to my viewers that this is really all pretend?

A worried talking head

I think it is important to remember that in modern news there is a juxtaposition that must be considered. It is complicated but I believe it is thus:

(a) ...Celebrity has-been on trial for touching you boys' willys...6 months of headlines.

(b)...Democratic President gets blown...1 year of headlines.

(c)...Republican President Starts unjustified war, busts budgets, tries to wreck both medicare and social security, undermines the Constitution, allows torture, let's North Korea get the bomb, and calls upon non-journalist/prostitute/GOP shill at news conferences...remind people of item (b) and blame nasty bloggers for exposing man's private life via public websites.


Question 2:

Dr. A.J. Turk;

Looky here, in Texas we hang our cigarettes from a rawhide string and
the pack hangs between our shoulderblades in the middle of our back,
y'know, underneath the shirt. Or a suit coat if you've got Sunday clothes on.
And you tie some twine around the cigarette next in line in the pack -- ya
with me? -- and run the other end of that twine up around your collar and
let it lay there loose like, so's if you need a cigarette quick you just tug
on that string and up it comes. Y'know? Always been that way. You got any
problem with that, Liberal Press Question Boy?

Stop starin' at my pack, I ain't sharin'!,

Pickup Truck Boy

Are you saying that you are your wife's Cigarette Mule?

I was pretty sure that you were packing...just I thought, since you were from Texas, you were carrying some armadillo in your trousers.


Look, I realize that you are overcompensating for something.

Stalin compensated for being incredibly short and pockmarked.
Kaiser Wilhelm spent his life compensating for a withered left arm.
You compensate for being withered and leaning to the left, but for something that isn't an arm.

Some people deal with this problem by having active fanstasy lives, but not you. No sir, you managed to deal with this problem by making your fantasy reality. Although it would be nice if your mind wasn't so pickled when you made that happen.

Question 3:

(Repeat Business)

I still think Scott's pretty, but I'll tell ya -- and I ain't no queer -- that Jeff is a purtier boy, you know what I mean? You could put the
whole MSM in their tightie whities and Jeff dressed head to toe so you don't
see nothin', and I'd STILL pick him out for a question because he's got
what we call bull nuts in Texas, you can just tell it, ya follow me?

Stressin' again I ain't queer,

Pickup Truck Boy

Well, you know I think we all know the reason why you would still pick Jeff out in a crowd for special treatment sir.

I hear his hat size is 8 and a half...cut.